Interviewer: Joe Smith
Interviewee: Joe Biden
Brought to you by the average man on the street series.

Joe: Mr. Biden, you announced your candidacy coming out of the gate in a controversial manner by making statements about Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama that were taken…

Biden: Oh, I know Joe. I stepped in the doo doo with that one. But, I’m a democrat and these missteps are quickly forgotten in the media…

Joe: But, sir, to describe Mr. Obama as clean, well, that has racial undertones not heard in this country since….

Biden: Joe, I don’t know why I said what I did. I will assure you that I have apologized to Mr. Obama and he has accepted it. For the life of me, I don’t know why I said the word “clean”. After all, I did see that picture of him in the ocean and at least I should have known he had gotten a good bath. A salt bath, but none the less,…..

Joe: Mr. Biden!

Biden: Oh, I am sorry. There I go again….

Joe: You are notorious in your party for being somewhat of a loose cannon, Mr. Biden. Do you think this will hurt your chances for a serious run for the presidency in 2008?

Biden: No, no. Listen, Joe, the democrats are very forgiving and the media is on our side. This will all go away in a day or two.

Joe: Don’t you think that the media is a little biased for the democrats? When Trent Lott made his statement about Senator Byrd, the media….

Biden: He is a republican. That’s different. They have a small tent and the media usually isn’t included in that tent.

Joe: Ok. Enough of that Mr. Biden. What are your plans for fighting the war on terror?

Biden: Bush has our country in a mess in Iraq. First, we need to get that area settled. I have a plan for dividing the country into 3 areas. The idea is to maintain a unified Iraq by federalizing it and giving Kurds, Shiites and Sunnis breathing room in their own regions. The central government would be responsible for common interests, like border security and the distribution of oil revenues. The plan would bind the Sunnis - who have no oil -- by guaranteeing them a proportionate share of oil revenues.. It would call on the U.S. military to withdraw most U.S. troops from Iraq by the end of 2007. My plan also calls for engaging the neighboring countries, Syria and Iran to help stabilize Iraq.

Joe: That plan sounds possible, but how would you engage Iran and Syria? They are in Iraq right now trying to cause a lot of trouble and destabilize the government.

Biden: No, no, Joe. You know, we both have the name Joe. Good name Joe, nice name, very American and manly. Not like some names you see today. I can’t even understand some of these names. Take Barack for example, where on earth does a name like Barack come from. Is that a mumbo jumbo African name or what?

Joe: Mr. Biden, could we get back to Iraq?

Biden: Sure, sure. My plan will allow all Iraqis no matter what sectarian sect to share in the riches of the country. Although I don’t know what the beef is. You can’t go anywhere in America without seeing some huge, costly mosque built on prime land. Arabs everywhere. Then shops all over selling goat and lamb. Things we don’t normally eat in this country.

Joe: Mr. Biden, you’re getting off the topic once again. Now, what about the larger war on terror, the Islamic radical threat we face today?

Biden: Oh, that. Well, I ….

Joe: While I was visiting your web site Mr. Biden, I didn’t see any plan for the war on terror. I read that you want more troops sent to Afghanistan, but I didn’t see an over view of your plan.

Biden: I think just by strengthening our homeland security that is all we need to do. I plan to take back one year of the tax cuts on Americans making over 1 million dollars and putting that money into a trust fund for homeland security and extra police.

Joe: Do you mean you are going to treat terrorism as a police matter as Clinton did back in the 90’s?

Biden: I think we need to enact all of the 9/11 commission recommendations. Once we do that there will be nothing to worry over. Trust me. Bush has made a mess of this whole thing. Now, we’re in a war losing millions a day, and precious lives. Where has this gotten us? He has created more terrorists with his reckless warring.

Joe: Mr. Biden, back when Clinton was President, in all due respect, sir, the policing of terrorists did not stop them from planning 9/11 and carrying out that attack…

Biden: I can tell you this, Joe, if Mrs. Clinton gets the presidency you are going to have more to worry about than a little terrorism. Do you know she is going to teach your children by herself. Something in that dumb book of hers “It Takes a Village”. She and Obama both need to stay in the kitchen where they belong…

Joe: My God, Mr. Biden! You don’t really believe that do you?

Biden: What? Oh, no, no. I just meant, uh, Mrs. Clinton has some unusual ideas and Mr. Obama, well, what can I say? Back in my day, the only place someone like Obama would be is helping my mother out in the kitchen or hanging up laundry.

Joe: Mr. Biden. I have to say I’m somewhat stunned that your attitude is so provincial. Not to mention the racism and bigotry.

Biden: You don’t have U-Tube on me do you Joe? I hate that damn thing. Always catching me saying something that just pops out of my mouth.

Joe: No, I don’t have U-Tube on you, Mr. Biden. But, I really think you are going to have a problem if you keep letting your mouth run ahead of your thinking.

Biden: No problem. Like I said, I’m a democrat. It doesn’t matter. I just go to Al Sharpton or Jesse and lay a little money on the hands. The media is on my side. They love me. I’m a democrat after all. Don’t confuse me with the republicans, Joe.

Joe: Yeah, I know. I never see Republicans get away with the kinds of statements you make sir. They would be hung for weeks, months actually. I’m recalling that macaca statement made by Sen. Allen. The media never forgot about it for months.

Biden: Yeah, that’s funny. I got a laugh out of that macaca. I couldn’t help myself. Ha!
Ha! Ha! That was just hilarious. If he had been a republican I would have patted him on the back for that one. Macaca. I get the belly laughs….

Joe: Excuse me!! What about these troops you want to send to Afghanistan?

Biden: Oh, oh, yes, I want to redeploy some of the troops in Iraq to Afghanistan so we can finish that fight and catch bin Laden. You know Bush never finished the job. Once we get bin laden that will spell the end of that chapter in our country.

Joe: Mr. Biden, with all due respect, sir, we are facing a grave threat from radical Islam which wants to convert all of us infidels or die…

Biden: Where do you get this crap, Joe? Off of Fox? Figures, that rabid right wing news station is the cause of more problems than I can count.

Joe: It’s not the only place I get information. I can go on to the Internet and there are all kinds of sources about this radical Islamic threat that….

Biden: Oh, well, the democrats are putting an end to this kind of propaganda, Joe. When we enact the Fairness Doctrine, every web site that gives out information of radical Islam will have to have a rebuttal by CAIR to be fair and hear the other side.

Joe: CAIR?? That organization is a radical Islamic group who wants to….

Biden: See what I mean, Joe? You only have one side calling CAIR a radical group. We will give them the voice they need to end the xenophobia about their members….

Joe: Mr. Biden, you telling me that is like the pot calling the kettle black. You don’t have much room to be lecturing me on….

Biden: The Muslims in our country are dedicated to preserving our Constitution. Look, we already have several Muslims in Congress. Minnesota and Michigan have their own towns filled with Muslims rallying for the American dream. God, I hate to think of campaigning in those towns. Uh, what I mean is I wonder if I can find something fit to eat there while I’m …..uh, uh, but we have the Muslim vote and…..

Joe: More votes. That seems to be all you democrats care about Mr. Biden. After talking to Mrs. Clinton, Obama, and Edwards, I see that the democrats are promising a lot on health care, education, and all these “fairness” doctrines that we don’t need…

Biden: If you don’t like it Joe, you can vote for someone else. I’m not going to beg for your vote.

Joe: Believe me, I won’t be voting for you sir. You still haven’t given me any idea what your plans are for the Islamic threat other than to get bin Laden, who is probably already dead anyway.

Biden: Well, you just wait Joe, the day before the 2008 election Bush will bring him out for all to see. Bush is keeping him locked up somewhere in one of those foreign prisons he has all over the place. God only knows what is happening to people in them. I mean, the Republicans will have to pull some really big, big October surprise to win this one in 2008. Right now, we democrats can say and do just about whatever we want. The public is in a very bad mood with corruption in the Republican party, this failed war policy….

Joe: Good bye, Mr. Biden. I have to go now. I have to take my little girl to piano lessons.

Biden: You won’t have to do that after the democrats are in office. We’ll be bussing your children to specific indoc…., I mean specific lessons after school….