Chapter III

May 10, 2009

With all the chaos and warring going on within the country right now, it’s hard to keep the events in order. I write when I can. Many days are very hard. We have to sneak about the countryside scavenging for supplies. We do this whenever we can for fear we will run out. Fear is something we live with on a constant basis. Sometimes we don’t know what to fear more, the Muslims, the liberals, or starving to death.

In the beginning, we stole much from every place we could and hoarded in secret places.
I have to admit to my own compliance and lack of moral certitude in these times. I have stolen and killed. But, the need for survival has brought us all to a primitive level.

Thanks to the animal rights’ activists there are plenty of deer for us to eat. But, at some point we will run out of deer too. I’ve learned to enjoy fresh squirrel as well as possum.
The stews we have made are quite tasty. Fortunately we have canned goods stored and buried in numerous places. Every time a liberal comes around, we just shoot them down. I didn’t want to admit to this earlier, but it has become a necessity. Why feed someone who can’t even defend themselves. We give our consciences some respite by telling ourselves we are really only saving them from a far more brutal death from the Muslims if they found them. At least we don’t torture them. We shoot them right in the head.
Down they go quickly and it’s over. It’s become so easy, just like killing the deer.

Back in February, Nancy Pelosi was killed by the anti-war crowd. She never lived up to her promise to end the war. She was speaking before a crowd in San Francisco when the crowd erupted into a violent scene. Members of Code Pink had been chanting, “Nan, Nan, you old dog pan” and Nan Nan the Armani suit sh*t can”. The chants got louder and louder until several members of Code Pink stormed onto the podium, attacking her, shoving her to the ground. Before anyone could do anything to help, Mrs. Pelosi was beaten into a pulp, her Armani suit unrecognizable from anyone else’s thrift shop goods.

We were told that the undertaker could not close her eyes while embalming her. Mr. Underdrag, the Funeral Director, stated that he had never feared a dead body before he had to embalm Mrs. Pelosi. He said those eyes staring at him gave him the creeps unlike anything he had ever felt. Several days after Mrs. Pelosi’s funeral, Mr. Underdrag died suddenly from heart failure. All who knew him were in a state of shock as the man had been healthy for all of his 33 years.

You would think that the media would be outraged over Mrs. Pelosi’s violent death, but instead they wrote about Code Pink as heroes of our time. Several of these individuals were tossed onto the shoulders of San Francisco’s finest protesters and marched through the streets for days. No police dared to go near the Code Pink members. They feared that there would not be anyone on their side if they arrested them. San Francisco’s district attorney said there really was nothing he could do. He stated that the incident was so muddled he saw no way he could bring charges against anyone.

President Hillary Clinton, in a short news conference, stated that she was shocked to hear of Mrs. Pelosi’s untimely death, but she found it difficult to feel any sympathy for her since she had lied to her constituents. Mrs. Clinton said she would be missed by one person, Jack Murtha.

Looting and violence rampaged on for days in the Golden Gate city. It was good they had their celebration when they did. They did not know at the time how little time on this earth they had.

Al Gore was killed in a tragic incident over the desert in the southwest. He was flying over the refugee camps that he had de-funded when he was shot down by the Mexicans who had managed to attain shoulder missiles. His helicopter came crashing to the ground. Unbelievably, he was still alive when the helicopter crashed, but the Mexicans dragged him out, along with some of the refugees, and staked what was left of him to the ground. He died some hours afterwards. All who witnessed this said it was a horrible sight. As Gore went in and out of consciousness, he would shriek through his parched and burning lips. It was a moan really, very inhuman sounding. Actually witnesses said it was more like the moaning of a cow in labor. As this was written in the newspapers, PETA protested against this comparison stating that it was cruelty to cows to compare them to Al Gore. Subsequently, PETA bombed several media outlets, taking out the Los Angeles Times and the Chicago Tribune.

President Clinton stood with her husband at Gore’s funeral unflinching as the orchestra that Tipper had engaged for the event, played songs of nature such as “Bring Back the Bat”, “Everyday An Earth Day”, and “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands”.

…..to be continued

Chapter II

May 3 2009

One of the Californian members of our group, Last Patriots Standing, named BrianR, came riding into our camp late one night in April. The word he brought to us was astonishing. I can only refer to BrianR as that since we don’t exchange last names for security purposes.

The story was that the Muslims had taken Rosie O’Donnell captive for attempting to start up a Lesbian Day march to show them she knew what her rights were. That didn’t go well with the Muslims. They tortured her and then hung her, beheaded, upside down in memory of her bat moments. The top man in the group, Mohammed Abu Dabou, a fierce and merciless warrior,
said he wanted to make sure she felt comfortable, therefore the upside down position.

BrianR also told us that conservatives moving from the area, in the middle of the night, dismembered the rest of her body. No one knows what happened to her head. After it was chopped off, the Muslims had put it under the hanging body, just so everyone would know who she was. We were told it was a hideous sight, with her eyes popped out and her mouth seemingly still moving.

Charlie Sheen protested this atrocity, (in his mind), and started another march, where the participants protested the killing of a woman. The Muslims captured him also and put to death all who marched. It was said that Denise Richardson was extremely happy the womanizing dork had finally met his fate.

According to BrianR on the outskirts of Los Angeles, way on the outskirts, since most of Los Angeles was in smoking ruins, the bodies of many Hollyweird people hung. Babs Streisand, Cameron Diaz, Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, and Tom Robinson were among the most famous taken and hung. Their bodies were just strewn along the roads, where vultures were eating the remains. This was a good thing so as to keep disease down. There has been a huge increase in vulture population since the Muslims blew up our cities that fateful day.

All the Hollyweird people seemed to be in quite a lot of danger. Not only were the Muslims after them but the conservatives were roaming about killing them also. We hear that Jane Fonda has not been caught as yet. 

One of the best stories was that Rosie, Susan Sarandon, and Sean Penn kept screaming, as they Muslims took them to the gallows, that they were their friends, why would they kill them? Sean Penn, screaming and screaming, yelled, “How can you do this to us with all we have done for you?” The Muslims played the tapes over and over in their trucks as they roamed through other towns looking for more Hollyweirds. The Muslims shouted that all Hollyweird scum would be hunted down since no hedonistic actors would be allowed to exist under Sharia law.

I must get back to my poor Joe. I miss that guy. What happened was we had noticed our phones were likely tapped. Joe had discussed his interviews with any number of people in our town. Most of the townspeople had decided to vote for a Conservative if one had ever appeared. Joe was seen as a very disloyal citizen of the Socialist State. The socialists were very angry with him regarding his interviews and how he had written them in unflattering terms.

Certain former members of the Senate had formed a posse of sorts. In this posse were John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Dick Durbin, Pat Leahy, and Harry Reid. They were the leads with dozens of other socialists’ members at their command. It was heaven for John Kerry who stated he never did get the chance to shoot regular people in the back the way he always wanted. He particularly was looking forward to killing Swift Boat vets and others who had served in VN. After he had killed some of these poor souls he would cut into their foreheads the word “dumb” and place a helmet alongside the body to indicate the person was a former soldier.

Anyway, these men would come into town and round up all the conservatives into large trucks driven by other members of the Socialist Party. When these men came into our town, Joe and other co-workers had a shoot out with these guys. John Kerry was killed instantly. One of the conservatives had laid in wait for him on the roof of Joe’s building. At the first sign of John Kerry, this expert sniper took him out. Rumor throughout the town was that the sniper had been GunnyG. He had become a legend already across the country for his expert marksmanship in gunning down any bands of lost liberals, socialists, and commies. Also, there was an ex military woman named Nee who rode with these gunners. We hear she is the modern day Annie Oakley.

Chaos rules right now. We have had our silo secured quite well from the Muslims. We immediately rounded up all stray dogs and keep them tethered in the surrounding area.

Pork has been scattered all over the countryside. We really hated to use the pork for this purpose. We’d rather have it to eat, but we decided it was best in warding off the Muslims.

The liberals were harder to keep away. They too were afraid of the Muslims, at least those with some sense. These liberals were always trying to steal from us as we moved from place to place to keep ourselves hidden.

The last time we moved, a herd of liberals descended upon us begging us to take them within our group. No one would hear of it. First we just told them to scatter like the wind and stop bothering us. After that didn’t work, I’m afraid I have to relate that we just gunned them down. Hauling their bodies off and burying them was the worst part. But, we couldn’t leave any evidence lying around. Besides, the gathering of the vultures could easily indicate where our location was and we needed to stay secure.

We’re not really worried about the government officials at this time in our life. They were mostly sitting in DC when the dirty bomb hit there. The last we heard they were killing one another in the bunker. It was said that moderate members of the former democratic Party had been immediately executed sometime in late January. So, at least they didn’t have to fight for themselves in that madhouse bunker the rest of the socialists were in.

…..to be continued.

Chapter I

April 30, 2009

No word about Joe. It’s been months now since he was captured at work and taken to an undisclosed prison for conservatives and libertarians. The last word I had he was being tortured. First they used water boarding. Later, I heard if was far worse. I heard that torture used during the Inquisition centuries ago had been re-instated as a proper means to extract and indoctrinate people into the socialist party. Conservatives had to change their ways or face death by hanging in the public square.

In January, just 3 weeks after Hillary Clinton was inaugurated, all conservatives and libertarians were ordered to either surrender themselves to Federal marshals or be shot on sight. Joe was brave. He didn’t surrender. He waited until they came for him.

We knew something was wrong the day of inauguration when President Bush and Laura boarded their plane only to have the plane blow up in mid air. The government announced that it was an accident but some of us thought it was too strange. No one could gain access to any information. The officials who normally investigated these types of accidents were not to be found.

President Clinton had ordered all the troops out of Iraq immediately upon taking office. Jack Murtha, the Secretary of Defense pronounced that our troops would never again be used to fight anywhere. They are sitting at Okinawa the last I heard.

Shortly after Joe was taken prisoner, I was whisked out of the area with a band of people who call themselves the The Last Patriots Standing. They still had guns and we are hiding in a silo as of now.

We will be moving soon to another place, probably an old barn. There are many in the heartland, the fly over area of the country. I was never so glad to be in the heartland.

The dirty bombs hit in March. But, not before another terrible tragedy took place.

Al Gore, the Secretary of Transportation, had ordered all houses using more than $125 of electric/gas per month to be demolished along with the people’s cars. These refugees were shipped to the desert, where a camp had been set up for them. The camp was huge and required lots of supplies to be shipped in on a daily basis. Water, food, and candles were shipped to these poor people.

It soon became apparent that the expense of this camp was prohibitive So Al Gore decided to do away with the shipments. The last I heard the people were starving. Disease was rampant. Many were out of their minds with thirst. I heard there was cannibalism. I can’t say what really happened because once the dirty bombs hit, all the grids across the country didn’t work any longer.

March 15, Ahmedinejad hit Israel with nukes. We watched on our TVs as picture after picture depicted a burned out, smoking hole, that used to be Israel.

I watched as the UN condoned the bombing of Israel and stated that the world was now at peace with the Jews gone to their Maker. No longer would there be any wars the UN President stated. I recall sitting in stunned silence, tears streaming down my face unable to grasp the reality of it.

Our children were taken the week after Hillary Clinton became president. All children under the age of 14 were shipped to re-indoctrination schools. We were told they would be taught all the new doctrines that the socialist party was putting into place. Any child over the age of 14 was considered too old for any schooling and would also be imprisoned if they did not declare their loyalty to the socialist state.

I haven’t heard anything from my children in so long. I don’t even know where they are or if they are still alive.

The dirty bombs hit 2 days after Israel was hit. The bombs went off in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Atlanta, and Boston, and Washington DC. Word was the politicians were still in their bunkers. At least we didn’t have to worry any longer about the socialists taking us captive. But, we had to be wary of the roving bands of Muslims and illegal aliens.

For quite a while we knew nothing of what happened. We just knew that nothing worked any more. There was a great silence in the air. Our TVs no longer worked. No electricity.

We heard no planes, to trains, traffic was easy to maneuver. Businesses shut down due to no communication. Soon, we got word from those far enough away from the nuked out areas what had happened. All those people were moving in bands towards the heartland of the country away from the fallout.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. Prior to the dirty bombs, the Mexican/American war had broken out along the border states of Arizona, Texas, and California. The fighting was intense and many people were killed on both sides.

There were no troops to protect us because the President had ordered all troops, including the National Guard out of the country at the same time the troops in Iraq went to Okinawa. We didn’t even know where they were.

Guns had been confiscated by the Socialists shortly after Hillary took office. Many people, seeing what was coming down, fled and hid wherever they could. That’s how I came to be among the group I am hiding with. Thank God for these wonderful people. A lot of them are vets and they still love our country and hope to take back the government at some time.

I’m not sure how this will happen. Communication is slow, by foot, by horse if someone can steal one or find one.

I need to stop writing now. It’s getting dark and we don’t keep any candles burning after dark.
I have much more to write. There is so much more to tell and I know I write rambling on, but
so much has happened in the last few months.

…..to be continued.

Then God said, "Let there be light"; and there was light.

This was the time when God created conservatives who would try to bring light into the dark world of the liberals.

And God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.

The conservatives were separated from the liberals because they were the darkness that filled the land and brought taxes, government education, socialized medicine and all kinds of other suffering. God hoped that the conservatives could help the liberals see their darkness and show them the way to the light of truth, honor, duty, and the good of His creations.

Then God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation: plants yielding seed, and fruit trees of every kind on earth that bear fruit with the seed in it." And it was so.

So God created liberals in the likeness of vegetation, plants and fruit trees, who produced many nuts and fruits such as Shrillary, BO, Dingy Harry, Turban Durbin, Jon Cary, Hiccup Kennedy, John Deadwards, SanFranNanny, Chris D’Odd, UpChuckie Schumer, etc. The list could go on, but it is endless with the names of all the vegetation and fruits that God created.

So God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, of every kind, with which the waters swarm, and every winged bird of every kind.

So God created monsters such as moonbats who swarm everywhere. They wing their way into conservative places, shrieking, caterwauling, and wailing their vapid, fatuous, half-witted comments to let those of the light know that darkness is all around. God thought this was a good thing so that conservatives could be reminded on a daily basis that these creatures, who are sucking the blood out of all beings, still exist and need to be exterminated.

God blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth."

Now, you all know God loves a good joke so He wanted these moonbats to multiply and give us plenty of crosses to bear, to test our faith and our patience. He’s one funny Guy.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures of every kind: cattle and creeping things and wild animals of the earth of every kind." And it was so.

Once again, God with His humor in force brought forth all of the creeping liberals so we, as the conservative wild animals could prey upon them and eat them. He knew what He was doing, by golly.

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth."

God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."

Hmm. I don’t see anything about global warming here.
It looks like God expected us to eat the fish, the birds and the other living things He provided. I don’t see God saying anything about not eating meat and causing a big carbon footprint. I don’t see anything about carbon exchanges to pay either. But, I don’t suppose AlBore has talked his project over with God.

God said, "See, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food.

God gave us all the seeds and plants to eat on this earth. Say bye bye to tree huggers. We were given the earth to use. Bye bye to PETA. God said to eat the meat He gave us.

And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so.

I think God wanted us to use whatever we needed as food and sustenance. He gave us the earth to use and He will see to it that whatever happens with the earth is His domain, not ours. We are mere mortals made in His likeness. We are not God who can change what happens to the earth. To think we can is arrogance and I don’t think God likes that. I also don’t think He likes a con pulled over on His creatures by some who would make a profit off of global warming. God made the light, the dark, the waters, the land, the heat, the cold. God never mentioned anything about global warming. He won’t like anyone messing around with His creation.

Gathered in Hillary’s war room in an undisclosed location.
Present: Terry McAliffe, Howard Wolfson, and Hillary Clinton

Wolfson: Terry, get her to stop will ya? Ever since we got back from Selma she’s been out of her mind, talking like a black woman.

McAllife: I don’t have any control over that woman.

Hillary: God be saved, ya’ll hear me naw! We all not gonna rest until we’s brought down evey last publican. God show us the light and ya’ll bless us in yall mercy.

Wolfson: Get Bill on the phone would ya? This is getting out of hand. One week she’s screeching all over the place because I told Obama to apologize and now she’s acting like a black woman. She can’t make up her mind what she is.

McAlliffe: I told you this job was no piece of cake. Just ask Bill. He lives with her. Poor man. No wonder he runs around.

Hillary: Ya’ll walk in the shada of de Lawd. Ya’ll walk that walk of peace and y'all overcome the wraith of de repubs who want to smake dawn ya’ll so’s ya’ll caint vote. Y'all won’t let thait happen. No! No! We won the rights to vote and we aint gonna let dem takes it aways from us.

Terry dials Bill.

McAliffe: Bill, you got to come over here and do something with Hillary.

Bill: Now, ya’ll know I can’t do nothing with that woman. Why you bothering me?
What do you think I pay you for?

McAllife: Bill, I’m begging you. She thinks she’s a black woman now. All she does is walk around talking the jive talk. It was bad enough having Michael Jackson being the only black boy to grow up to be a rich white woman. Now we got a rich white woman turning into a bible thumping black preacher.

Bill: Just cool your heels, Terry. She’ll come around. It’s just a phase.
(Oooh. Watch those teeth honey.)

McAllife: What did you say Bill? What teeth are you talking about? Is she going to bite me? What, what are you saying?

Bill: That was nothing, Terry. I was just thinking out loud.
(OK, honey. I'll be off the phone in a minute)

McAllife: OK. But you’ve got to do something. You know how to de-stress her.

Bill: I’m not having sex with that woman, Terry. Not on your life! Now, you go do whatever it takes to get her calmed down or I won’t be footing this bill for her little project. President!! What the hell was she thinking anyway?

McAliffe: I wasn’t’ suggesting that you have sex with her, Bill.

Bill: You get paid the bucks. Figure it out on your own, I’m busy. Can't you understand
I'm busy with something else at the moment.

Bill hangs up.

Wolfson: Well, Terry, is he coming over? I hope soon. She’s gonna crack.

McAllife: No, he’s busy. Handle it Wolfson. You’re the one with the big ideas. You’re the one who got her started on the crack up. I’m not taking any blame for that. None of this would be happening if you hadn’t demanded Obama make an apology for that fool in Hollywood. Now, you take charge and get her out of this.

Hillary: Naw Lawd we’s be fightin and shovlin, and mowin, and washin, and we’s not gonna be de white man’s slave no mo, no mo, no mo……hit de road jack and don’t come back no mo, no mo, no mo......

Interviewer: Joe Smith
Interviewee: Joe Biden
Brought to you by the average man on the street series.

Joe: Mr. Biden, you announced your candidacy coming out of the gate in a controversial manner by making statements about Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama that were taken…

Biden: Oh, I know Joe. I stepped in the doo doo with that one. But, I’m a democrat and these missteps are quickly forgotten in the media…

Joe: But, sir, to describe Mr. Obama as clean, well, that has racial undertones not heard in this country since….

Biden: Joe, I don’t know why I said what I did. I will assure you that I have apologized to Mr. Obama and he has accepted it. For the life of me, I don’t know why I said the word “clean”. After all, I did see that picture of him in the ocean and at least I should have known he had gotten a good bath. A salt bath, but none the less,…..

Joe: Mr. Biden!

Biden: Oh, I am sorry. There I go again….

Joe: You are notorious in your party for being somewhat of a loose cannon, Mr. Biden. Do you think this will hurt your chances for a serious run for the presidency in 2008?

Biden: No, no. Listen, Joe, the democrats are very forgiving and the media is on our side. This will all go away in a day or two.

Joe: Don’t you think that the media is a little biased for the democrats? When Trent Lott made his statement about Senator Byrd, the media….

Biden: He is a republican. That’s different. They have a small tent and the media usually isn’t included in that tent.

Joe: Ok. Enough of that Mr. Biden. What are your plans for fighting the war on terror?

Biden: Bush has our country in a mess in Iraq. First, we need to get that area settled. I have a plan for dividing the country into 3 areas. The idea is to maintain a unified Iraq by federalizing it and giving Kurds, Shiites and Sunnis breathing room in their own regions. The central government would be responsible for common interests, like border security and the distribution of oil revenues. The plan would bind the Sunnis - who have no oil -- by guaranteeing them a proportionate share of oil revenues.. It would call on the U.S. military to withdraw most U.S. troops from Iraq by the end of 2007. My plan also calls for engaging the neighboring countries, Syria and Iran to help stabilize Iraq.

Joe: That plan sounds possible, but how would you engage Iran and Syria? They are in Iraq right now trying to cause a lot of trouble and destabilize the government.

Biden: No, no, Joe. You know, we both have the name Joe. Good name Joe, nice name, very American and manly. Not like some names you see today. I can’t even understand some of these names. Take Barack for example, where on earth does a name like Barack come from. Is that a mumbo jumbo African name or what?

Joe: Mr. Biden, could we get back to Iraq?

Biden: Sure, sure. My plan will allow all Iraqis no matter what sectarian sect to share in the riches of the country. Although I don’t know what the beef is. You can’t go anywhere in America without seeing some huge, costly mosque built on prime land. Arabs everywhere. Then shops all over selling goat and lamb. Things we don’t normally eat in this country.

Joe: Mr. Biden, you’re getting off the topic once again. Now, what about the larger war on terror, the Islamic radical threat we face today?

Biden: Oh, that. Well, I ….

Joe: While I was visiting your web site Mr. Biden, I didn’t see any plan for the war on terror. I read that you want more troops sent to Afghanistan, but I didn’t see an over view of your plan.

Biden: I think just by strengthening our homeland security that is all we need to do. I plan to take back one year of the tax cuts on Americans making over 1 million dollars and putting that money into a trust fund for homeland security and extra police.

Joe: Do you mean you are going to treat terrorism as a police matter as Clinton did back in the 90’s?

Biden: I think we need to enact all of the 9/11 commission recommendations. Once we do that there will be nothing to worry over. Trust me. Bush has made a mess of this whole thing. Now, we’re in a war losing millions a day, and precious lives. Where has this gotten us? He has created more terrorists with his reckless warring.

Joe: Mr. Biden, back when Clinton was President, in all due respect, sir, the policing of terrorists did not stop them from planning 9/11 and carrying out that attack…

Biden: I can tell you this, Joe, if Mrs. Clinton gets the presidency you are going to have more to worry about than a little terrorism. Do you know she is going to teach your children by herself. Something in that dumb book of hers “It Takes a Village”. She and Obama both need to stay in the kitchen where they belong…

Joe: My God, Mr. Biden! You don’t really believe that do you?

Biden: What? Oh, no, no. I just meant, uh, Mrs. Clinton has some unusual ideas and Mr. Obama, well, what can I say? Back in my day, the only place someone like Obama would be is helping my mother out in the kitchen or hanging up laundry.

Joe: Mr. Biden. I have to say I’m somewhat stunned that your attitude is so provincial. Not to mention the racism and bigotry.

Biden: You don’t have U-Tube on me do you Joe? I hate that damn thing. Always catching me saying something that just pops out of my mouth.

Joe: No, I don’t have U-Tube on you, Mr. Biden. But, I really think you are going to have a problem if you keep letting your mouth run ahead of your thinking.

Biden: No problem. Like I said, I’m a democrat. It doesn’t matter. I just go to Al Sharpton or Jesse and lay a little money on the hands. The media is on my side. They love me. I’m a democrat after all. Don’t confuse me with the republicans, Joe.

Joe: Yeah, I know. I never see Republicans get away with the kinds of statements you make sir. They would be hung for weeks, months actually. I’m recalling that macaca statement made by Sen. Allen. The media never forgot about it for months.

Biden: Yeah, that’s funny. I got a laugh out of that macaca. I couldn’t help myself. Ha!
Ha! Ha! That was just hilarious. If he had been a republican I would have patted him on the back for that one. Macaca. I get the belly laughs….

Joe: Excuse me!! What about these troops you want to send to Afghanistan?

Biden: Oh, oh, yes, I want to redeploy some of the troops in Iraq to Afghanistan so we can finish that fight and catch bin Laden. You know Bush never finished the job. Once we get bin laden that will spell the end of that chapter in our country.

Joe: Mr. Biden, with all due respect, sir, we are facing a grave threat from radical Islam which wants to convert all of us infidels or die…

Biden: Where do you get this crap, Joe? Off of Fox? Figures, that rabid right wing news station is the cause of more problems than I can count.

Joe: It’s not the only place I get information. I can go on to the Internet and there are all kinds of sources about this radical Islamic threat that….

Biden: Oh, well, the democrats are putting an end to this kind of propaganda, Joe. When we enact the Fairness Doctrine, every web site that gives out information of radical Islam will have to have a rebuttal by CAIR to be fair and hear the other side.

Joe: CAIR?? That organization is a radical Islamic group who wants to….

Biden: See what I mean, Joe? You only have one side calling CAIR a radical group. We will give them the voice they need to end the xenophobia about their members….

Joe: Mr. Biden, you telling me that is like the pot calling the kettle black. You don’t have much room to be lecturing me on….

Biden: The Muslims in our country are dedicated to preserving our Constitution. Look, we already have several Muslims in Congress. Minnesota and Michigan have their own towns filled with Muslims rallying for the American dream. God, I hate to think of campaigning in those towns. Uh, what I mean is I wonder if I can find something fit to eat there while I’m …..uh, uh, but we have the Muslim vote and…..

Joe: More votes. That seems to be all you democrats care about Mr. Biden. After talking to Mrs. Clinton, Obama, and Edwards, I see that the democrats are promising a lot on health care, education, and all these “fairness” doctrines that we don’t need…

Biden: If you don’t like it Joe, you can vote for someone else. I’m not going to beg for your vote.

Joe: Believe me, I won’t be voting for you sir. You still haven’t given me any idea what your plans are for the Islamic threat other than to get bin Laden, who is probably already dead anyway.

Biden: Well, you just wait Joe, the day before the 2008 election Bush will bring him out for all to see. Bush is keeping him locked up somewhere in one of those foreign prisons he has all over the place. God only knows what is happening to people in them. I mean, the Republicans will have to pull some really big, big October surprise to win this one in 2008. Right now, we democrats can say and do just about whatever we want. The public is in a very bad mood with corruption in the Republican party, this failed war policy….

Joe: Good bye, Mr. Biden. I have to go now. I have to take my little girl to piano lessons.

Biden: You won’t have to do that after the democrats are in office. We’ll be bussing your children to specific indoc…., I mean specific lessons after school….

Interviewer: Joe Smith

Interviewee: John Edwards

Brought to you by the average man in the street series

Joe: Mr. Edwards, I welcome the chance to speak with you about the issues that are causing me grave concern. I tried to speak to Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama, but I was not able to get any concrete answers. I hope you will be able to give me a good idea what your plans are and ……

Edwards: Joe, I see a new, bold plan where America will become the great nation she once was. A nation where all men, women, and children can realize the promise of America. I will fight for the right for everyone to get every thing out of this country there is to offer. I plan to bring big, bold, and new strategies to fight the problems of global warming and economic fairness. I plan to form a strategy for universal health care that will cover everyone.

Joe: What is this “bold” plan you want to implement, sir?

Edwards: The energy problem comes to my mind. Have you seen those new light bulbs Joe? My wife and I are urging everyone to start using them. There are a wide range of shapes and fittings available now; there are even dimmable fluorescents, and honestly I cannot tell without checking which of our bulbs are still incandescent and which are now - and will continue to be -- fluorescent. Switching is a little bit of a bite, because the bulbs are more expensive (although Costco and eBay have some good prices), but replacing a single 60 watt incandescent with a 15 watt fluorescent you use just six hours a day could see an energy savings of more than $40 over the 4 year (4 year!) life of the bulb. And it is not just energy. A single fluorescent bulb "can prevent more than 450 pounds of emissions from a power plant over its lifetime" according to the Energy-Star website…

Joe: Excuse me, sir, but what has light bulbs got to do with the big issues our country is facing to….

Edwards: That same site has these incredible statistics: "If every American home replaced just one light bulb with an ENERGY STAR, we would save enough energy to light more than 2.5 million homes for a year and prevent greenhouse gases equivalent to the emissions of nearly 800,000 cars." One bulb. By the way, Joe, have you seen the good pictures of me and my family at….

Joe: Sir, if I wanted to talk about global warming I would speak to Mr. Bore, I mean Gore. Right now, I need to know…

Edwards: This is a divided country right now Joe. We are divided between two classes, the rich and the poor. The gap is growing even as you and I stand here talking every rich person in this very country of equality is making 10x the amount of money you are Joe. Is that fair? Now I ask you Joe? Just think of the unfairness of the Bush tax cuts. Big money went into the pockets of the rich while the little person got nothing and….

Joe: What division are you talking about? I got a big fat check when
President Bush enacted those tax cuts and I got $400…..

Edwards: Oh, no you didn’t Joe. You just think you got something back. Bush tricked you and all the poor people of this country with this tax cut deal. The rich were rewarded with huge amounts of money left in their pockets that you didn’t get to share….

Joe: Excuse me, but I don’t understand what you’re talking about Mr. Edwards.

Edwards: Joe, you’ve been lied to so many times by the Bush administration. Now you actually believe in capitalism. Do you realize that the rich got 10x the amount of your puny tax refund? You got $400 while the rich got $40,000 back in their refunds. Joe, leave the economics up to the experts from now on. In fact I have hired some experts and our plan is to take this extra money and give some of it to the poor and middle class like you. There is no reason whatsoever for anyone to have that much money. I ought to know. I’ve been making big money since I started those litigation cases against doctors in this country. It’s only fair I give some of that back to my community. Right now, I hear that a lot of people can’t afford obstetricians right now because the cost has become so formidable. So, it seems only fair that we who are rich should give…

Joe: Ok. Mr. Edwards isn’t that called socialism? I don’t know if that is such a good idea. Our country was founded on….

Edwards: Joe, the Constitution, in case you were going to bring that up, is a living, breathing, document. It was never intended to be read literally. We need to change
things so that all people can….

Joe: Excuse me again, Mr. Edwards, but I would like to change the subject at this point and ask you what your plan is for the WOT.

Edwards: The what?

Joe: Yes, the WOT.

Edwards: Yeah, I know, Joe. I heard you the first time. What what?

Joe: The war on terror, Mr. Edwards.

Edwards: The what?

Joe: Yes the WOT.

Edward: Huh? Sorry Joe, but I’m not getting what the what is.

Joe: THE WAR ON TERROR MR. EDWARDS! The war against Islamic fanatics! I’m worried about what kind of world my children are going to be living in if indeed there is one left…..

Edwards: Oooh, that. Now, Joe, this threat of Islamic terror has been way overblown. It’s been the canard of the Bush administration to keep you focused on something other than the bad economic policies he has put in place and…

Joe: No, I won’t let you dismiss my fears like that Mr. Edwards. I haven’t been able to get any answers out of Mrs. Clinton or Mr. Obama on this and I…..

Edwards: The reason you didn’t get any answers Joe, is because, and now I don’t want to appear like I agree with those two on anything, but here I have to make an exception. Simply put, Joe, there is NO Islamic threat. At least I haven’t heard of
any. The only threat we have is Mr. Bush’s horribly failed war in Iraq, which I
voted against and I plan to bring our troops home right away, not yesterday, not
last month…..

Joe: You haven’t heard of the Islamic threat? You are kidding me, right?

Edwards: If you’re talking about the Islamic Bush threat, yes, Joe, I’ve heard about it and I am very much against anything of the sort. We wouldn’t have any terrorists in this world if it wasn’t for the Bush doctrine of preemptive war, creating these
monsters all over the place. But, that will end when I’m president because I will make sure our troops are not anywhere in the Middle East and ….

Joe: With all due respect, Mr. Edwards, there is an Islamic threat. What about Iran and the nukes they are developing? What are you planning to do about them?

Edwards: Well, I read an article, I believe the same one Pat Buchanan read from the Guardian that there is no threat of Iran developing nukes. So, you can just erase that from your mind and rest easier….

Joe: Good God, Mr. Edwards, you aren’t trying to tell me you believe in that left wing rag the Guardian? What they write is utter….

Edwards: Left wing rag? Joe, are you a conservative?

Joe: Yes, I am a conservative. And, will you please try to answer some of my questions?

Edwards: Which ones Joe?

Joe: Back to the Iranian nuclear threat…

Edwards: Ha! Ha! I always laugh when I hear Bush say n-U-c-l-E-A-r.
He sure knows how to chop up the English language.

Joe: I don’t think you’re too good at it yourself, Mr. Edwards. You didn’t even know what the WOT was.

Edwards: I have to admit Joe, you kind of threw me for a minute. But, that’s because most people don’t believe for one second that a real threat exists. It is the hysterical right wing that keeps yakking about that, trying to scare the bejesus out of people all over the country. That’s not going to happen while I’m president. You know why Joe? I won’t try to divert your attention on something as fanciful as an Islamic threat. I will be working to get you back the money you’ve lost while Bush has been destroying the oval office with his dastardly policies…

Joe: Mr. Edwards, I don’t care about getting that money back you’re talking about because, frankly, I don’t believe our country will be existing much longer if we don’t take the Islamic threat seriously and start to…..

Edwards: Joe, Joe, we are going to have to take every available tool to wash the indoctrination out of your minds that the Bush administration has inflicted on all of the American people in the last 6 years. By the time 2008 comes and I am pres….I mean if I become president you will start to see a new world opening up to you.

Joe: Mr. Edwards, I don’t believe anyone has indoctrinated me. I can read the news and get information from the Internet that….

Edwards: There are a lot of liars out there on the Internet, Joe, but we plan on doing away with that threat too. We have our own policy that will take effect, the
”Fairness for all Americans” doctrine. This doctrine will bring everyone together as one, thinking as one, working as one. Just think of the paradise that will be created.

Joe: Once again Mr. Edwards, let’s get back…

Edwards: One Corps Day of Energy Action, those are the groups we are forming to fight global warming and I urge you to join the One Corps nearest you, to start a One Corps near you if you don't have one, or to take it on yourself to be active on energy tomorrow. Maybe you can winterize your house, or maybe change a few bulbs. But, as President Carter understood, progress happens when all of us act individually and together to reach our common goals…..

Joe: Sorry, but I have to go back to work now. I’m starting to feel depressed.

Edwards: All right Joe. Just remember to push that lever for me in November 2008! Remember free health care!

Joe Smith, the average guy on the street, recently received a letter that was mistakenly sent to him. Since he is not affiliated with any party, but is an Independent, he wrote. back the following answers in red inserted into Mr. Kerry’s letter.

http://www.johnkerry.com/

The letter from Mr. Kerry can be found at the above website.

Dear Friend,

Thanks to you, we have a new Democratic Congress that is fighting to stop the administration's disastrous course in Iraq, thanks to you we can be a Congress that addresses issues like climate change and health care, and thanks to you, change is coming to Washington.

Dear Mr. Kerry,

You have mistakenly sent this letter to me although I have never supported you in any campaign that you have ever conducted. Thanks to the Democratic congress you will fight to destroy any victory in Iraq. Your socialist agenda as I see it will create more programs such as health care for all and amnesty so that you and your party can maintain the Hispanic vote with your freebies.

Over the last two years, when you could've walked off the field after getting knocked down in 2004, you didn't walk away, you kept fighting. 

Yes, we kept fighting, but not for you, you traitorous dumb bell. We didn’t walk away from the fight. We did walk AWAY from you however.

Together, three million strong, you helped provide $14 million to more than 260 candidates, committees and progressive causes.

Progressive causes? You mean the socialist/communist causes? The “fairness doctrine”?  Health care for all so you socialists can decide who gets euthanized when there is no money for treatment? I imagine we conservatives would be on the top of the list for that one! We’d be first in line for that goodie!

Nineteen of those candidates received over $100,000 each in donations from our community. Just think of the special support that you helped us provide to veterans running for office -- helping to make Chris Carney, Tim Walz, Joe Sestak, and Patrick Murphy members of Congress today. And because you dug in early when a lot of people said it couldn't be done, you helped a courageous Vietnam veteran Jim Webb on his march to become the 51st Senator and give Democrats our majority in the Senate.

Yes, the courageous Jim Webb, the one with South American poisonous frog venom spitting out of his mouth at every opportunity. Mr. Webb, the one who needs the Dale Carnegie education on how to win friends and influence people? The guy who wants to punch POTUS? You mean that ONE? If I recall correctly, the MSM gave you guys a lot of help on Webb’s election by playing Allen’s macaca statement over and over.

I hope you are as proud of what you've accomplished as I am. But this isn't a time to rest on our accomplishments. The work isn't over. Today I hope you'll help me with another big mission.

No, we, avowed conservatives will not help you in your mission to destroy our country which you have been doing for over 35 years.  We are not proud of you. You are an embarrassment to our country.

35 years ago, I got into public life to end a war that was wrong. I believe now as strongly as I did then that it is wrong to ask more young Americans to die for anyone's mistakes. And I believe that a Congress that shares responsibility for getting us into this war must bear responsibility for getting us out.

35 years ago you used the unpopularity of the war in Vietnam to gain political power. You used the war to humiliate, debase, and lie about our military. You don’t know right from wrong.  Since when have you shown any responsibility?

Americans went to the polls and voted for change in Iraq. They sent a strong and clear message to all of us, on both sides of the aisle, that they wanted real change in Iraq. They certainly did not vote for us to sit by while some national leaders actually advocate escalating the war and sending more American troops into the middle of an Iraqi civil war. We must stand for a change in Iraq, or we don't stand for anything at all.

It seems Mr. Kerry that you and your party have mistaken the message that the people sent in 2006. We wanted real change in Washington, like stopping the mud throwing, getting something done. We want to win in Iraq, you demented poltroon. Since when do you stand for anything, Mr. Traitor, except for continually criticizing our country and working with the enemy?

This mission, this responsibility, is something all of us must accept. As someone who voted for the resolution that gave the president the authority to go to war, I feel the weight of a personal responsibility to act.

Oh, you feel the weight? Is that something you told the first wife before you left her for Therezzzzza? I feel the weight of all that money Therezzzzza has to offer. Good bye love. Nice knowing you, but, hey she’s got more money than you. I must be expedient and grab the bull now before she gets away.

I sought the presidency to lead us on a different course. There are powerful reasons to want to continue that fight now. But I've concluded this isn't the time for me to mount a presidential campaign. It is the time to put my energy to work as part of the new Democratic majority in the Senate, to do all I can to end this war and strengthen our security and our ability to fight the real war on terror.

You sought the presidency to lead us on a different course all right, straight to communism. You aren’t running for president because you know you are DOA. No one wants you. Got that? Let me repeat myself, NO ONE WANTS YOU.  Take a hike!!

The people of Massachusetts have given me an incredible privilege to serve in the Senate, to represent the birthplace of freedom, the cradle of liberty, and a state where in Faneuil Hall patriotic dissenters stood on principle. I want to continue representing Massachusetts, and that's why I am running for reelection so I can use my voice all day every day to end this war and galvanize grassroots action to force Washington and our Democratic Party to live up to its responsibility.

The people of Massachussets, in all due respect to those cons who live there, must have been lobotomized years ago by the likes of yourself. When was that program enacted Lurch?  Was that the “fair lobotomy act”?

Together, all of us, starting with the three million of you who have built this online community, must remain steadfast in protecting the principles we fought for every day of our campaign. You have a responsibility to urge those who are running this time to step up and address those issues, and particularly on Iraq to find not just a new way forward, but the right way forward.

Those of us in the online community are steadfast, Mr. Kerry, in doing all we can to defeat you and your socialist commie friends and your efforts to destroy our republic. We are looking to a new way forward, but not your way.

Above all else, the mission we must all join is to end the war in Iraq.

Above all else our mission in the conservative community is to end the war in Iraq with victory, not your way, in defeat. 

Our first step toward that goal is to force President Bush to set a deadline to redeploy our troops.

Our first step toward the goal of victory is to run the likes of you out of office never to be seen or heard from again. What prison of your choice sir? How about one of those Iranian prisons? It would suit you well. You could have daily talks with Ahmedinejad, your buddy.

I hope you will come to http://www.setadeadline.com and take the opportunity to speak out on the importance of setting a deadline to redeploy our troops and bring our heroes home. Speak out at http://www.setadeadline.com.

We are speaking out and signing the Pledge to stop the resolutions that mean nothing but yours and the traitorous republicans attempt to bring our troops home in ignominy, which is your fantasy since the 1970s. Didn’t you do enough damage then? How soon will it be before you call our soldiers baby killers? Come on now. You know you want to so bad.  You hate the military. Come clean and admit it you obnoxious poseur. I thought I would throw a little French in there to help you better understand my message.

Now that a new Democratic Congressional majority has convened in the U.S. Capitol, a deadline must be set. Working together as Americans, holding leaders accountable, is our best hope to ensure that it is.

A deadline must be set to throw you out of office, the sooner the better.

Please come to http://www.setadeadline.com and get on board.

Get on board? Does that mean  waterboarding for you? Our pleasure!

Thank you,

You sat next to the former Iranian president and called our country a pariah. How many more times are you going to step over the line? How many more times are you going to keep repeating your act? No thanks traitor. Here’s spitting in your eye!!

Au revoir,

Joe Smith, average citizen

John Kerry

 

Interviewer: Joe Smith

Interviewee: Barack Obama

Brought to you by the average man on the street series

 

Joe: Mr. Obama, it’s a pleasure to meet you.

Obama: Likewise, Joe. I love talking to the people, unlike
Mrs. Clinton, I am a natural at this. The people love me
when I speak.

Joe:  That’s good to hear, sir. Now I hope during this
conversation we can get into some meaty matters. I
found it difficult with Mrs. Clinton.

Obama: Oh, that won’t be a problem Joe. You see I’ve
been where you’ve been, down among the masses,
speaking in crowds, people swarming over me, wanting
to touch me, talk to me. It’s amazing really. I never
thought I would become such an icon in so little time.

Joe:  Yes, Mr. Obama. I see that is happening. But,
today I would like to ask you some questions that
will help me make my decision for 2008.

Obama:  By the way, Joe, did you see that picture of
me in my swim suit walking in the water towards the
beach? Man hell of a picture! I didn’t think my
handlers could do such a good job of making me
look like the black John Kennedy, but youzza man,
that blew me away. I think like John Kennedy. I’m
thinking of that speech where he said, “Ask not what
your country can do for you, but ask what can I
do for my country”. Great speech. And, to think
I come from Illinois where Jack won the election,
in the normal democratic way, stealing votes.  Oh,
Joe, that was just a joke now. Don’t take that
seriously. I just like to add a dash of humor, helps
break the ice.

Joe:  Well, Mr. Obama, how do you think you are
so like John Kennedy? He was from a different era when
the democratic party was….

Obama: Oh, not so different. We still steal votes. Ha!Ha! 
Now remember Joe, just a joke. Ha! I so love
my jokes. Everything about me seems to sparkle.

Joe:  I would much prefer to talk about your ideas
and plans if you become president.

Obama:  I’m a thinking man, Joe. I think long and
hard before I make a decision. I would never have
rushed into war like Bush. No, never fight a war if
you can’t win it.

Joe:  But, Bush didn’t rush Mr. Obama, he…..

Obama:  Forget it Joe. It’s over and done now. The
Democrats will not fight a war. We don’t believe in
it. It just wastes time and money. Money needs to be
spent on more important things, such as setting up
more abortion clinics for those women who have to
make a choice. We’re planning on some very nice
institutions that will provide after care beyond what
any private hospital could ever offer these poor
women.

Joe: Did I hear you correctly, more abortion clinics
with government money?

Obama: Of course. Our government owes the people
of this great nation everything we can give them. As
I was saying, after care will include several days of
recovery with a special dietitian on hand who will
prepare special meals made particularly to suit the’
needs of a grieving mother.

Joe:  Wait a minute, Mr. Obama, grieving mother?

Obama: Of course Joe, you don’t think these women
are happy to give up their children do you? And
after the trauma, particularly of those partial birth abortions,
that I support by the way, no mother in
her right mind would be happy. So, we need a special
government program to help them during their
grieving processes. We need counselors, special
accommodations and after care.

Joe:  Mr. Obama I’m not seeing how this likens you
to John Kennedy actually, I thought…

Obama:  Well, Joe, you see I took John Kennedy’s
words and I have my own slogan. I say, “Ask not
what you can do for your country, but what can I
get out of my country”. That’s the real question we
need to ask ourselves. We are living in a different
age and we need to change policies to fit the times
in which we live, Joe. Get with the program, most
or a lot of people already understand this idea.

Joe:  I would like to ask you about the axis
of evil. Now to make myself clear since Mrs. Clinton
got confused, I’m talking about Iran, North Korea,
Syria, those countries which are causing a grave threat
to our national security.

Obama:  Those countries just need a good talking to
Joe. Nothing to sweat over. Once I get on the road, I
will whip things into shape, make a pact with all parties
involved, one in which we can all live with and abide by.
You see how well our conversation is going right now?
I’ll present them with options and opportunities that
will engender the greatest peace of our time.

Joe:  What do you plan to offer?

Obama:  Myself!  Ha! Ha! Just joking, Joe. You know
most of the women are just drooling over me, my good
looks, buff body, seeing me in those swim trunks…

Joe: EXCUSE me, Mr. Obama, could we get back to what
you plan to offer these countries so they don’t nuke
us?

Obama:  Joe, settle down now. Don’t get so vehement
about it. You’d think the danger was imminent the way
you talk.

Joe:  I do think the danger is imminent Mr. Obama and
don’t tell me to settle down.

Obama:  Joe, Joe, it’s all a matter of diplomacy. You’ve
heard that word right? I know it’s been a long time since
you’ve seen anyone practice it. With Bush just rushing
off like a mad cowboy running roughshod over every
world leader telling them what to do, when to do it,
how to do it. Where was the d-i-p-l-o-m-a-c-y?

Joe:  What about you attending a madrassa Mr. Obama?
I hear from the Clinton campaign that you were…

Obama:  Don’t believe that silly Mrs. Clinton. I just
don’t know how that woman thinks anyone will believe
what she says. She didn’t even know her own husband
was getting a head job in the oval office. What a schmuck!
I wonder how it will be for me in the Oval office? Hmm,
could be interesting. I’ll make sure I have better looking
interns though. Bill has no taste.

Joe: PLEASE, Mr. Obama, let’s get back to the topic!

Obama:  Yes, yes, that’s right. The threat. Actually, Joe
I am not so sure there is a threat. I mean I see a small
sort of problem with some very primitive backwards
countries who don’t allow freedom to flourish.
Oh, I like the sound of that word, flourish. Don’t you
Joe? I think I need to use that more often. Let diplomacy
flourish. Forget about that let freedom ring bull.

Joe:  Mr. Obama I need to know the answer to what I
consider the most pressing issue of my lifetime. The
radical Islamic threat and the danger we are in from the..

Obama:  Really, Joe, are you a bigot? Radical Islamic
threat? Are you not a man of religion yourself?

Joe:  Yes, yes, I’m a Christian and I’m afraid I’m going
to die by the sword…

Obama:  That’s so funny. Die by the sword. Just where
are you getting that, Joe? What have you been reading?
Those right wing radicals have polluted your mind to
the point you are believing the lies. You’ve become a
fearful and pitiful caricature of a man, Joe. Stand tall,
walk straight, strut just like me. If you walk like you
got the cojones, then you got em. Got that Joe?

Joe:  Yeah, I got it, but….

Obama:  Good, Joe. My handlers are telling me that’s
all the time I’ve got for now. They have a couple of
cuties waiting to see me. Catch ya later, Joe. Don’t
worry my friend, things are changing. I’ll be re-arranging
the scope of the nation and bringing the good times back.
Hollywood is promoting me and I’ll be seen across the world
as the new peacemaker. You’ve got nothing to worry
about. Trust me.

 

Interviewer Joe Smith

Interviewee Hillary Clinton

Brought to you by the Average Man in the Street Series

 

Joe:  It was quite pleasant of you Mrs. Clinton, to suggest we sit and chat with you.
I’m looking forward to our discussion.

 
Hillary: Oh, my pleasure Joe. I have been looking forward to talking to the
average citizen. I don’t often get this wonderful opportunity, that’s why I
presented my campaign opening by suggesting we chat and have discussions.
There are so many issues on people’s minds today and with all the bi-partisan
squabbling I’m sure the American average Joe, like yourself must be so
frustrated. We’ve become such a divided nation since Bush took over from my
husband. The country has become the most polarized nation on earth,
unlike the times when my husband was in office and so loved…..

 
Joe:  Excuse me Mrs. Clinton, but I was hoping we could have a real
discussion about real issues.

 
Hillary:  Oh, oh, of course, Joe. Just what would you like to discuss?
I have many programs on the table that I would love to tell you about…

 
Joe:  Excuse me again, Mrs.Clinton, but I would like to ask you some
questions first if you don’t mind. I’d like to stay and talk with you for a long
time, but I do have a job to go to since I am an average citizen.

 
Hillary:  Oh, of course, Joe, one forgets these kinds of things. Of course
you have a job, but you know most Americans don’t have jobs to go
to and if they do, they are being paid far too little.That’s why I will enact
the fair worker doctrine, where all workers, average ones that is,
will be paid the same amount of wages irregardless of merit…

 
Joe:  Excuse me again, Mrs. Clinton, but I was sincerely hoping to ask
you some questions on the biggest issues facing our country right now.

 
Hillary:  Yes, yes, I understand, Joe. We have already raised the minimum
wage and I will be working on a health care program that will cover all….

 
Joe:  Mrs. Clinton, I would really like to turn the subject to something of a
different nature, such as the axis of evil.

 
Hillary:  Oh, my God, Joe. I can’t believe you would bring up such a
personal issue, I really can’t go into that….....

 
Joe:  Mrs. Clinton, I want to know how you view the axis of evil and
what your plans are…....

 
Hillary:  Really Joe!! I have no intention of speaking to you about Monica,
Bill, and myself. That issue was resolved a long time ago. I can’t believe
you would even mention it. And, for your information, that dress, the one
with the “stain”, was actually mine. I had leant that dress to Monica
without having it dry cleaned. That’s one thing I can’t forgive myself for
because the right wing press and their right wing groups had to make
a big thing out of it. Like Bill would do anything to harm his image and
our marriage. I’ll never forgive that Dobson character, who
ever he is and that Hannity, or is it Colmes, trying to take my husband
down when all he tried to do is the best for this country.
We love our country and Bill and I….....

 
Joe:  No, Mrs. Clinton, I wasn’t asking about that axis of evil,
I was speaking about…...

 
Hillary:  I really don’t want to go into Falwell, Dobson, and that other
Christian whatshisname. I think we all have had enough of that kind
of division in this country. With out these Christian right wing nu…,
I mean right wing voters we would have no problems in this country.
Now, they even try to make things up about Islam and it being a right
wing religion. You would think they would be happy to have another
right wing religions group to hang out with. You just can’t make people
happy especially when it revolves around religion. I just don’t under
stand why people get themselves upset over Islam. We need more
diversity in this country…....

 
Joe:  Mrs. Clinton, I believe you have misunderstood…...

 
Hillary:  I understand completely Joe. You were just trying to trip me
up with that axis of evil shi…, uh, thing.. I get it. I’m not your average
citiz….I mean I wasn’t born yesterday. I know just what you
were up to. You want to bring up the past…..Wait, a minute Joe,
I just need to regain my composure.

 
Joe:  Mrs. Clinton, when I referred to the axis of evil I meant…...

 
Hillary:  Darn it, Joe. Is it your notion of a chat to drive me up the wall
with this? I already told you it’s a thing of the past. Bill and I even went
to marriage counseling and Bill learned a lot about being a husband,
and I learned a lot about being a wife. Poor man. His appetites
are so profound. He couldn’t help himself. You know what it’s like
to be the most important person in the world and have women falling all
over you?  Oh, I’m sorry Joe, of course you wouldn’t know that. You’re
just an average slo…., I mean you haven’t had to carry the burden of
being in political office, being president, and having to resist all kinds
of temptation, from fornication to selling classified documents.
Not that anyone did anything of the sort.
I mean, it’s just so difficult on all the family members in the White
House. Everyday another right wing press agent out to get us, to
take my husband down, the pressure, the indignation of it all…...

 
Joe:  Mrs. Clinton, I have to be back to work in ten minutes so I
haven’t got too much time…..

 
Hillary:  That’s another thing I’ll take care of for you Joe. When I’m
president I will enact A “fair work place doctrine” that will allow
you to have as much time off work as possible for other reasons than
sick children. But, you know I love the children so much. We can’t do
enough for our children. Every day I see children in need. Just the other
day I saw a very small baby in a dumpster. Can you believe it?
A dumpster of all places!  Joe. The average citizen can’t be throwing small
babies in dumpsters simply because they have not the time
off work to feed them. I’ve never seen anything like it. I really didn’t know
how bad things had gotten in this great country of ours since Bush
took office. I mean I knew we were being pulled apart like hyenas
grabbing a ham sandwich, but to see a small baby, and I mean
it was so small. To think that parents don’t have enough to feed such
small children in this country shows me how far down Bush has brought
us down to their knees, people suffering terribly….....

 
Joe:  Mrs. Clinton, were you visiting an abortion clinic lately?

 
Hillary:  Joe, what kind of person are you?  You say you wanted to chat.
But all you have done is throw ugly things in my face. I don’t visit abortion
clinics, Joe. I don’t plan on having any more children. For God’s sake,
having Chelsea was plenty and making those dumb Christmas ornaments
and cookies to be sent of to that private school just to make an impression
…,  I mean to help out those less fortunate than ourselves. You see we
always made nice little things to be given to the poor around Christmas
even though I personally don’t believe in such things. Those kinds
of things should come from the government….

 

Joe: EXCUSE ME, Mrs. Clinton, I was trying to ask you about North Korea,
Iran, Syria, those countries that are presenting a grave threat…

 

Hillary:  Oh, that kind of evil. Why didn’t you say so to begin with Joe? 
Now, actually, Joe, I have to leave. It’s a busy schedule when running
for president and I have another chat lined up.  Thanks so much for your
time. I’m so glad we had this wonderful chat.